What's Mine to DO?

There’s a simplicity to life now.

Mom’s energy is at about 10% of mine, maybe less.

Food, meds, potty time and time with me nourishes her deeply.

She spends about 20 hours a day in bed.

I would shoot myself in the head if I was in her position yet there is something so innocent about her, that when I get honest with myself and allow myself to receive this experience all the way into my cells, I am in awe.

After a lifetime of doing, giving, powering through as a teacher, a ride or die sorority girl(Kappy Alpha Theta through and through), a Mom, a wife, she’s allowing herself to be.

There’s a tenderness so deep. There are days I walk out the door and wonder if she will still have breath in her lungs when I return. Moments when I feel she will keep getting stronger and the day will come for her to do another triathlon to fulfill this dream she carries.

I don’t know.

What I do know, is what is mine to do.

My job is to keep showing up. My job is to allow myself to receive the gift of this experience in it’s fullness.

Sometimes I’m afraid the sadness of the many years we didn’t have any relationship will consume me. Other moments when I have answered the same question 12 times in an hour I get snarky and want to scream. In the moments when shit was drooling out of her pull-up this week right after her shower, I wished this would end.

My job is to find all of this in my body and breathe. My job is to get back into alignment when the thinking takes me for a ride and come back to feeling. My job is to receive, it all, fully and take the next aligned action. That's all I ever need to do.

Pic: Her favorite game is solitaire. She’s loving how I have taught her to break the rules from years of doing it ‘the right way’ and make up her own rules.